Love Potion 3000
by PearlyJammer
Summary: Neville is a secret evil genius who has taken the place of Voldemort while the Dark One is on sabbatical. Neville schemes at a way to get back at the great bat Professor Severus P. Snape! He creates a love potion, which will engage on the 47th person Se
1. Default Chapter

Title:  Love Potion 3000

Author:  Autumn  

E-mail: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com  

Archive:  DDFH, Whispers, SH, FF.net 

Summary:  Neville is an evil genius, and takes the place of Voldemort, who has gone on sabbatical.  He sets his eye on the man who caused him to quake for six years.  The man who could use a good shagging, the man known as Severus P. Snape! 

Category: Parody 

Author's Notes:  I love HG/SS fics, I also love parodies.  The love potion scenario seemed perfect to bring the two together.  If the idea of parodies, or HG/Ss offends your sensibilities, I suggest you stop here.  If you continue and still feel the need to flame me, well go for it.  Can't stop you anyways right?  But, I'm hoping more people like this than hate it.  

This is set when Hermione, Ron, Neville, and Harry are in their seventh year.  

Thank you to Moswen for the input on this chapter. 

**********************  

            A cold fog wrapped the ground in the hidden meadow.  A number of small pops revealed figures clothed in black robes with silver masks.  They closed ranks on the figure in the especially long and black robe, but something was wrong.  Instead of the face of the evil wizard, a mask with the picture of what appeared to be a baby's face wrapped in yellow fuzz with an antenna sticking out of its head greeted them.  

            "My faithful Death Eaters.  There will be some changes in our campaign to rule the world.  As you can see, I am clad in what will be our new uniforms.  The rest of you will follow suit," the evil lord said. 

            He waved his wand and conjured a pile of Teletubby suits in all four colors.  Under their masks, most of the Death Eaters looked horrified under their masks, and that was saying something.  Quickly though they turned back to their leader.    

            He shucked off his robe to reveal a hideously round and squeezable yellow body complete with yellow booties.  "Out with the old, in with the new.  It is time that we got serious about eliminating the three things that most annoy me.  1. Fluffy bunnies.  They hop around everywhere in their arrogant way with those stupid twitchy noses.  Bunnies must die. 2. Grass.  It's got too go.  We will rid the world of grass, and watch as everything collapses.  The muggle world will die out.  If you don't have grass, you can't feed your animals, if you don't have animals you don't have fertilizer.  Grass, we'll start with this meadow after I am finished speaking.  3. Clouds.  Britain is known for its clouds.  Eliminate one of the landmarks and people won't know what to think.  It will tear a hole in society leaving room for us to storm through and set up out empire.  Yes, clouds it is."  

"Snape!  Come forward!"  The dark one, er yellow one bellowed

"Yes my Lord" Severus bowed.  

"From now on, when I address you, you will always answer me with the phrase "yes your evil pontiveness."  He hissed.  

"Yes your evil pontiveness." Severus said, fighting the urge to roll his eyes.   

"Lucious Malfoy!  Step forward." The evil Pontive bellowed.    

"Yes, your evil pon-"Lucious began.  

"Do NOT steal other people's lines!"  

Lucious began to quake in his boots.  The Dark Lord had gotten a lot eviler since the last time they'd met.  "You, Malfoy will sing the opening line to 'I'm a Little Teapot when I address you.'"  He cackled.  

"Sir, I do not know that song."  Lucious admitted.   

"Well, of course you don't.  I made it up.  It goes like this," he began to sing, 

"I'm a little teapot short and stout, short and stout. 

Here is my handle here is my spout 

When I get all steamed up, here me shout 

Tip me over and pour me out."    

"Do we clap?" Goyle asked Crabbe. 

He didn't have time to answer as the dark lord rounded the circle assigning each person his or her own personal line of acknowledgement.

"What a sad lot you all are.  I believe some discipline, some order is called for.  You will all sing 'I'm a Little Teapot' for 15 minutes, unless I determine more.  Should anybody make a slip in the words, an additional period of 30  minutes shall be added.  

  His nearly manic energy scared them all.  The Death Eaters had never seen their leader behave such a vicious and cruel manner, they were immensly relieved when after the meadow was completely grassless, he adjourned their dark revels, which would now be known as Operation Banish.   

******************  

            "He made you sing 'I'm a Little Teapot?" Albus Dumbledore asked, while playing with a muggle toy called Silly Putty.  

             This is serious Albus. I havent' been as scared of Voldemort since I first joined his ranks. His level of vindictiveness is astonishing now, nobody is safe from his wrath. Albus, would you put that think away! This is not the time to be molding that into a palice!" Severus barked.  

            "Well, this is most ominous.  I'm almost certain that it means bad things will happen.  But, I shall consult the oracle first."  Albus said, putting down his silly putty at last. 

            Albus went over to a golden box that read 'The Oracle' on it.  He opened it and pulled out a small black ball.  "Are the actions at the recent OB, a sign that we should worry?"  Albus shook the magic eight ball and turned it over for the answer.  'It is definite.'   

"Right then, that settles that question."  Albus said and happily began playing with the putty again.  

"You might as well use divination to predict what will happen next if you're going to call a silly toy an Oracle."  Severus sneered. 

"I would be offended.  But I know that your cutting sarcasm is simply a way of repressing your deeper feelings of loneliness and alienation in a cruel and inhumane world.  Lemmon drop?"  

Snape just shook his head and left the office.  At times he wanted to shake the headmaster and try to make him understand that he needed to seriously take Voldemort more seriously.  Twice already Voldemort had gotten to Harry Potter because the headmaster was more interested in collecting meaningless muggle objects than plotting strategies to take out the evil in front of him. 

            He shook off his thoughts and retired to his quarters He took a sleeping draught for fear of having nightmares of a raving Lucious Malfoy singing I'm a Little Teapot at the top of his lungs. . He looked at his schedule and groaned, if there was one class he hated to teach above all it was the 7th year potions class.  But fate was fate, and Severus it seemed was due to a life of torment, if it wasn't from Voldemort, the headmaster himself filled that gap nicely.  

*********************  

            A few hours later, a grinning Neville Longbottom practically ran to the dungeons for his potions lesson.  This was highly unusual for him as his fear of the dark potions master was well chronicled.  He was in luck, as not a single person saw him behaving so unusually.  Neville had a lot to be smiling about.  Nobody knew if yet, but he had come up with a plan that nobody on the face of the planet had ever dared to think of before!  He had dosed Severus Snape with a love potion!  

            The big, batty, and scary Professor Severus Snape was about to turn into a big puddle of puppy love. Neville had an intended victim planned as well.  That know-it-all, that bushy haired-(wait, her hair had magically sleeked last year into beautiful curls), formerly buck toothed, Gryffindor was going to pay.  For years she had taunted him with her superior knowledge in everything.  She'd assumed he'd needed help to pull through potions and had blathered unwelcome instructions out of the corner of her mouth.  

            So Neville would punish her. His real target was Snape.  Snape had terrorized Neville for six years, and had decided the boy was an incompetent.  Severus Snape thought he was oh so clever.  Little did he know that Neville Longbottom was about to one-up him.  Now Neville just had to wait for the fireworks to begin, and to ensure that Hermione was in the right place at the wrong time.   

            The classroom filled quickly and Snape began barking instructions to the class.  They would be brewing a vindictive juice, and were to bring it up to him one by one.  Neville would ensure that Hermione would be near the end of the line.  He could make out the 33 on Snape's forehead that would disappear when he viewed 47 people; the latter was the one that Snape would fall in love with.  

            Neville pretended to need extra help with his potion to slow up Hermione.  When he saw thee numbers to go and one person already in line, Neville thanked Hermione and together they walked up to the front of the room.   

"I suppose Miss Granger should get marks for this potion as well as her own since she no doubt had to help you."  Snape sneered.  

Neville did his stutter and splutter routine and eagerly stepped aside to watch Snape and Hermione.  It was better than he'd ever dared to dream.  "Miss Granger!"  Snape yelled out, an expression of utter wonder on his face.  

"Yes?" A puzzled Hermione answered.  

"I love you!" Snape called out before launching over his desk, taking Hermione's hand and kissing her arm madly.   

The entire class froze, who was this man, and what had he done with Severus Snape?          

            Hermione pushed him off.  "What are you doing?"  

            "Kissing the woman I love."  Snape answered in a completely syrupy tone.  

            The entire contingent of Slytherins and Gryffindors cracked up.  "10 points from every person laughing.  Love isn't funny, it will chew you up and spit you out, leaving you a miserable shell of your formal self.  What, pray tell is funny about that?" Snape hissed in his normal 'classroom voice.'  

            The room immediately quieted and several people ducked their heads, lest Snape catch them smiling.  The potions master however had turned his attention back to Hermione.  His eyes were glazed over, and his body language was that of a man deeply in love.  "Kiss me."  He said.  

            "No! " Hermione drew back, horrified.  

            "10 points from Gryffindor" Snape shot out. 

            "Kiss me!" He again commanded.  

            "NO!" Hermione roared.  

            "Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me!" Snape bellowed. 

            "No!" Hermione said and she flew out of the room.  

            "30 points from Gryffindor for running away from your destiny!" Snape called after her.   

            "Class dismissed" He barked at the rest of the students and returned to his desk.  

            When everyone had left the room and he was in the safety of solitude, Snape sat down at a desk and bawled like a baby.  When all the tears had been shed he rose as a new man.  He was determined to get Hermione Granger to love him.   


	2. Love Letter to Hermione

  * * * *  Disclaimer in Part One *****  

            Severus Snape woke up feeling far more refreshed and happy than he had in years.  His euphoria was shortly lived however, when he looked around the rooms, he felt that something wasn't right.  There was far too much black and not enough…..pink.  Yes that was it.  What this place needed was a good dash of the peppiest color in all of the world.  

            "Peptobismaltisis!" Snape shouted, and was instantly rewarded with everything pink.  The bed covers were a soft pink while the curtains on his bed were now a lovely shade of shocking pink.  Once Severus had turned every piece of furniture into various shades of pink he immediately skipped-before catching himself for being totally out of character and began to stalk towards the Slytherin common room.  

            When he was satisfied that the common room and all of Slytherin's students were cleaned up to his liking he ordered them off to breakfast.  Severus had more important matters on his mind that day and summoned a piece of parchment and a quill.  He penned his thoughts down in what was sure to win Hermione's love.  After all, he was Severus Snape, wordsmith and master of the Queen's English.  The young woman would melt like a chocolate frog left in the sun.  

            With the confidence of a man who always got what he wanted, Severus Snape strode to the owlery before entering the Great Hall.  When he did, it was in utter chaos.  Hysterical laughter from three tables and a jumble of hexes from the other greeted him.  'Sonarus' He muttered with his wand at his throat.  

            "Those who find the Slytherin's attire amusing shall owe me a 10 inch essay on the color pink.  It is clearly the most superior color which none of your feeble minds could possibly comprehend.  In addition, should I hear any remakes made further on this topic, a deduction of 20 points and two days' detention shall transpire."  Severus announced silkily.  

            His speech over he walked to the head table in all his pink-robed glory.  "Honestly Albus, could you not intervene or must I act as school disciplinarian?"  

            "These things are best left alone my dear boy.  Children flourish best if unattended."  Albus said in what he apparently thought was a wise-tone of voice.  

            "How did you get elected as Headmaster?" Snape asked nastily. 

            "I won a game of Gobstones, and Gandalf was on a quest to find a ring and a hobbit."  Albus said brightly.

             Snape shook his head and turned his attention to his breakfast.    

            "Good Morning Severus." Remus Lupin greeted the surly potions master.  

            "There is nothing inherently good about morning.  Being a total pouf and a werewolf you should understand that." 

            Remus looked puzzled, it wasn't like Snape to be incorrect in his insults. His entire brand of sarcasm revolved around cutting the person down for the things they were insecure about in the first place.  "What precisely are you implying?"  

            "Don't play dumb, that's your partner's job." Severus said without looking at the bewildered werewolf.   

            "Severus, I'm not a ho-"  

            "Remus, save your breath for someone who pretends to care. What you and Black get up to you is no secret.  Then again, you are known for attempting to keep things in the closet aren't you?"  Severus said in a lazy, yet scathing voice.  

            Whatever Remus was about to retort was cut off when the daily mail began to arrive.  The ruffled Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was soothed immediately when he saw his latest copy of  'Werewolf's Anonymous' had arrived.  Remus quickly tore into the latest article about research to find a cure for the unwilling werewolf.  

            Severus' attention meanwhile was focused on a brown haired Gryffindor who had just received her owl.  He stared earnestly waiting to see her reaction.  Luckily for him, Hermione couldn't read very well unless she mouthed the words at the same time so he could follow along.  

            _Dearest Hermione,  _

_I have fallen truly, madly, and deeply in love with thee.  I myself am not completely certain how it came about as ordinarily I am repulsed by your very presence, but all of that has changed.  Your voice is melodious and sensual, not irritatingly perky.  Your hair is curly, not busy, and your annoyingly superior attitude is simply the air of one who in fact is superior. _

_I admit that this turnabout is most unexpected, but I should venture that perhaps it's not unwelcome.  I trust that you are not still involved with that Victor Krumbcake, as he most fortunately took a bludger to the head and never woke up.  I believe that I am a much more adequate suitor than a Bulgarian any day.  _

_I look forward to you melting into my arms immediately after reading this letter, which is what is expected of course.  And I assure you that should the planned course of events be altered in any way, Gryffindor shall loose a significant amount of house points.  However, I believe that the way to a woman's heart is through words.  Therefore I have taken great care to compose a poem for you my dear.  _

_Hermione, Hermione _

_Your image here, on my knee _

_Fules thee, me, me, me to-_

_dreams that abound so sexily _

_Oh Hermione, Hermione _

_Please come to my winery _

_We shall make love, oh so finely _

_Hermione, Hermione._

_Yours in Love,  _

_Severus Penelope Snape.  _

_P.S. Nobody knows about my middle name, should it be found floating around the school all of a sudden, you will serve a week's worth of detention-in my chambers where I can keep a better eye on that mouth of yours. _

            Hermione looked up, searching for the pink-clad Potions Master and burst out laughing.  Tears began pouring down her face in a matter of seconds, and Snape swept over to her almost as fast.  "Miss Granger 200 points from Gryffindor and you will serve detention with me tonight.  Wear something, nice," he said, as his eyes looked her up and down.  

            With that he was gone, leaving Hermione confused as whether to keep laughing or start screaming.  

******************** 

_     A/N:  I know the poem could be construed as OOC, but part of the point was to make Snape who is so often described as a great wordsmith to be a really, really TERRIBLE poet.    _

_;  ) _

 


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